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I'm going to just cut to the chase. I've been browsing a lot of blogs lately, looking to make interesting conversation, and I gotta be honest: 90% of the blogs I've seen could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Not all of them, mind you, just the vast majority of them have at least one problem that sucks harder than a black hole in Einstein's theory of relativity.

Here is a list of things I don't like about most blogs, and how I think they can be fixed.

  •  Don't try to force me to sign up for a news letter just to see your pages.


If you are a web designer, and the only way someone can view your content is to sign up using their Google+, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram account, You need to take that off right now. Seriously, go into your control panel and remove that shit ASAP.

As a consumer, there is absolutely no way in a frozen hell with flying pigs I'm going to register for a newsletter from a website I know nothing about, just to see content that I don't even know if I'm going to be interested in. I don't even care if your site has free downloadable hardcore pornography streaming in 4K, there is just no way that's going to happen.

New readers are going to avoid your website like the plague the moment they see a pop up ad they can't close, demanding that they register just to read any of the articles on the site, and this is bottle-necking your site's growth potential in a big way.

This shit is enough to make your site look less like a series of articles and more like a malware attack. This underhanded tactic doesn't work, and it's a great way to make new readers treat your website with more disdain than a hypodermic needle filled with Ebola and fucking smallpox.

  •  Don't tell me about your day.
There couldn't possibly be anything in the universe I could give less of a fuck about than your cat, your kids, where you went this morning, or the fact that you just ate a sandwich at TGI Fridays. If you're going to advertise your blog on Google+ communities or Facebook groups, at least have the humility to talk about something other than yourself once in a while. It's your blog; not your journal, and not your Facebook account.

I've got news for you fellas: Nobody knows you. People don't come to your blog because they want to know about your day, they come to your blog because they want to know what you think, what your opinions are,  and perhaps your expertise on a particular topic.

If you're reading this and are still thinking of writing a blog post about your daughter graduating High School, or the fact that you lost your car keys this morning, guess what? Nobody gives a shit. You're not that important, and your dirty laundry is not worth the time wasted reading about it.

  • Stop reporting the news.

I am sick and tired of going on blogs filled with copy-written stories containing nothing but opinions from "experts", or bloggers just acknowledging the fact that the story exists.

You guys are supposed to be bloggers. You're not a journalist. You're supposed to tell me what you think, not what others think, not what the popular opinions are, and not what experts in the field are saying. Nobody is going to your blog to read the New York Times. You can have all the news stories you want in your blog, but don't bother giving us the story if you're not going to give us your take.

I swear, all the bloggers are writing like journalists these days, and all the journalists are writing like bloggers.What the hell is going on?

Anyway, what do you think? What's your biggest blog pet peeve?

3 Things I Don't Like About Your Blog

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I spent a day or two looking at a few websites with articles about why certain blogs tend to suck, which got me thinking: does this blog suck? 

I'm sure we've seen or read blogs that suck before, right? Those crappy, text-only earth-toned blogspot websites that look like they were designed by a teenage girl using AOL Hometown in 1997... Those pitiful, unimaginably boring rows of run-on sentences longer than a self-aware stephen king novel if it were in an interview more boring than a feminist at a TEDTalk convention...

I didn't need to compare notes to realize why my blog sucks, so I decided to compile a list of reasons why it does. (in my not so humble opinion.) If you are a blog admin reading this, I would encourage you to do the same with your blog as well.
  • 1. No one reads it.

This blog has about as much viewership as a book review at the MTV music awards. Google analytics averages my posts at about 25 viewers: none of whom ever come back after reading the articles on here.
  • 2. No consistent topics.

I started off as a comedian, spinning articles on other websites, then I started posting some shitty video game reviews I wrote around 15 years ago, and next thing ya know, I'm writing about how stupid social justice warriors are. I write about more random bullshit than a proto-femenist reptilian-kin bi-curious poly-romantic space unicorn with with a Tumblr account.
  • 3. No consistent posts.

After working a ten-hour shift at a factory at 5:30am six days a week, I don't feel like writing about a thing when I get home. The only thing I feel like doing is sleeping like captain America after WWII. Even if I can be bothered to write something, you better believe it would come out like a month after initially writing a third of it. Nobody wants to subscribe to a blog like that, do they?

  • 4. Blogger software.

Yeah, I said it. I don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but the only difference between Blogger and WordPress is that WordPress doesn't deep throat a donkey's nutsack quite as passionately as Blogger's software does. If I were to compare the two using some sort of arbitrary software analogy, WordPress would be the Adobe Illustrator of blogging software, whereas Blogger would be those Mavis Beacon typing simulators from 1996. To put things in perspective, WordPress is blogging software you install into your web space in order to build a website, whereas blogger is that E.B.T card for low-income welfare recipients that you would use to make the equivalent of an Eastwood Insurance commercial. Sorry Google; I love your software when you guys make it, but the moment you buy out someone else's, (YouTube) its about as well made as a Chinese wristwatch.

  • 5. No one knows what this website is about.

This site doesn't have a niche to cling to, making it harder to find, and less likely to grab and hold the reader's attention. There are categories for gaming, entertainment, music, technology and comedy that are neither cohesive, nor are even a focus on this site at all. One moment I'm writing comedy, the next I'm writing "srs bznss" about a videogames. The people who come to this website come here looking for what they're interested in, and comedy gets more attention than stoic bullshit any day of the week. Sometimes I look at some of my old game reviews and think to myself: "if people wanted to read this, they could have went to GameSpot.com or IGN. Why the hell am I writing like I'm Adam Sessler with a midlife crisis?"

  • What I can do to fix it. 

  1. Make it funnier. All and all, if this website doesn't focus on anything, it focuses on everything. If it focuses on everything, it needs to make everything funny. Otherwise, this website sucks.
  2. Write more often. Making a blog and only posting once a month is about as useful to a consumer as a newspaper is to someone with a freaking Smartphone and free WiFi. Writing more often means better SEO and more reasons for a reader to come back.
  3. Make the articles shorter. No one wants to read a 500 page masters thesis on anything short of what they need to finish a book report. People have better things to do with their time than read 26 paragraphs about something that can be summarized in a single sentence. I'd be willing to bet that this is the primary problem with this website: the posts are too goddam long, and most people don't finish reading one before they decided to switch tabs to PornHub or xHamster.
If you are reading this and you have a blog, I encourage you to write a post like this one. Tell your audience (if any) what you think is wrong with your blog, and what you can do to fix it.
Seeing your website's problems from the outside in can help you make a better website.

5 Reasons Why This Blog Sucks

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Sometime in October 2014, the ESA (European Space Agency) Successfully landed a spacecraft, known as the Philae onto a comet in space. This would have been one of the most pivotal accomplishments in human history that would change the world as we know it, had it not been for this this one dude's shirt.

In an article written on theverge.com (by two people for some odd reason) entitled: "I don't care if you landed a spacecraft on a comet, your shirt is sexist and ostracizing", (yes, someone actually wrote that title and took it seriously,) The writers claimed that the shirt, worn by project scientist Matt Taylor, represented "three steps back for mankind," as it would undoubtedly discourage women from joining the Aerospace industry. "This is the sort of casual misogyny that stops women from entering certain scientific fields." said one of the coked-up tumblr feminists who co-rote this article. They continue by claiming that the shirt "demeans 50 percent of the world's population." Because as we all know, these two people writing this one article CLEARLY represent all women on the planet with their discontent.

I  don't care if this article is almost a year old; this is the stupidest thing I have ever read. I mean, am I the only one seeing this? Am I the only fucking person who sees the significance of this man's accomplishment here? This guy could walk in to the interview wearing leather bondage gear while jerking off onto the microphone and still landed a spacecraft on a comet for Christ sake! Why the hell are these people so hung up on a guy's shirt when he just catapulted the human species further into the final frontier!?

The reactions on twitter and Tumblr have been so biased and over the top, you would think this shirt just jumped off of this man's body and started raping every woman in the United Kingdom.


The button-down top of systematic oppression he was wearing was created by Elly Prizeman; a friend of his, (who is also a woman,) and I'm sure she is just as surprised as I am that in the presence of such an amazing feat of technological accomplishment, there were people out there so in love with their own victim complex that they would go out of their way to be offended by this completely harmless shirt.
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The Dumbest Article Ever Written: "Your shirt is sexist and ostracizing"

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