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I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for this, so let me start off by saying that this is entirely my subjective point of view.

Considering both Apple and Samsung are easily the two biggest smartphone providers in the world right now, saying that Samsung phones suck is like kicking a hornet's nest using only your flaccid penis. Going into production of this article, I could already expect the like to dislike ratio to look like the general consensus of The Fine Brothers at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the phones suck. They don't. Kyocera phones suck. I'm just saying that they aren't that fucking good. People are buying this shit like it's a fucking cure for the Ebola virus.

Here is a list of things that suck about Samsung phones.

  1.  Design.


I can honestly say that Samsung designs phones the way God designed fucking raindrops. These phones support some of the most baffling design decisions I have ever seen. Whoever decided that someones entire phone needed to be covered on all sides with smoother-than-jizz-on-a-watermelon Gorilla Glass was either higher than the Voyager 2 satellite, or wanted to design a phone that they could safely shove up their own ass, because the galaxy S5 and 6 are harder to grip without a specialized case than a bar of soap in a maximum security prison.

If that wasn't bad enough, some level 42 intellect at Samsung's design committee decided that the S6 edge, as well as both Galaxy S7s needed to round both edges of the screen, and extend the display area all the way to the very side of the phone, so that only Mutant telekinesis-experts like Gean Grey from the X-Men can use the phone without pressing shit by accident, because got forbid some fucking caveman wanted to use his own hands to hold the very phone that requires his hands to operate, am I right?

If you thought Samsung's phones being about as easy to grip as a hard boiled egg covered in duck feces was bad, just wait till you drop the thing on the ground, because for a phone covered in gorilla glass, this phone is easier to shatter than a saltine cracker if it were taking lessons in Brazilian Jui-Jitsu. These glass panels are about as strong as the teeth of the average heroine addict.

I work at a company that employ's 250 people, about 90% of whom use a Samsung Galaxy S6, and guess what? I have not seen one -not even one- screen that wasn't cracked along the edge. You know, the same edge that Samsung's brilliant superior minds felt the whole God damn screen should be, covered from top to bottom in the glass that could be shattered by peaceful thoughts, or perhaps even a slight breeze on a partly cloudy Tuesday afternoon?

Touchwiz.

I know this is going to sound like bullshit coming from the grand wizard of the#StockAndroidMasterRace, but Touchwiz; Samsung's completely unnecessary custom ROM for the galaxy series; is a glitchy, bloated, and impractical pile of shit in my opinion. I know that this is a subjective opinion and everything, but consider this: Touchwiz -in the new galaxy S7- is nearly eight fucking gigabytes all by itself. Stock android builds like what you have in the Nexus are less than half of that, yet are capable of the exact same shit. To put this in perspective, the entire internal storage capacity of my 3rd Gen Moto G is 8 gigabytes by itself, and that's running Android 6! Now I know the fanboys are going to tear me a new asshole in the comments section, but let's be honest here: Touchwiz is a custom ROM built on Android source code, so what exactly is Samsung putting in this build that justifies an 8gb build? Bloatware, redundant bullshit apps, and the morbidly obese Touchwiz OS itself.

Just so we're clear, when I talk about redundant apps, I'm talking about the fact that instead of just having a Samsung keyboard, it also has the AOSP keyboard running at the same time. Instead of just having a Samsung calendar, there is also the Stock AOSP calendar, and so on. Samsung's 300+ apps hogging a shit ton of storage, coupled with Samsung cloud services hogging system RAM as it sends usage statistics back to Samsung, which is also checking your location, and everything else a cloud service does, right along side all the Google AOSP cloud services while it does the same shit, meaning that it's using twice as much memory to do even the most basic tasks, means that its wasting resources for no good reason at all. Don't even get me started on system logging, because both the Samsung and AOSP apps log app data at the same time.

What makes this such a pain in the ass is the fact that Samsung's hardware is actually pretty good. The excellent hardware is wasted on a ROM that sucks by any metric one could use to measure it.

Over-saturation.

This may seem entirely subjective, but I feel like the way the Android market has favored Samsung Phones is not entirely Justified. In other words, I think there has been way too much hype built around a rather expensive phone that really isn't that good. There are much -much- better devices out there for the same price getting overlooked, because they are stuck in the shadow of the monster that is the Samsung Marketing machine.

This is why a have not, and WILL not buy another Samsung Galaxy. The drawbacks are just too numerous for me, when the Nexus 6P costs about the same as the Galaxy S7.

3 Reasons Why Samsung Galaxy Smartphones Suck

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